Days 13 & 14 of My 39-Day self-care challenge

TODAY my self care was writing. Writing soothes my soul. I woke up and wrote. And now I'm writing before bed. I write on paper. I write on the computer. I write on my phone. I could write until the cows come home.

But Yesterday. Oh yesterday... I'll begin at the end, of course.

Yesterday I got to the end of the day and wondered... Did I do any self-care today? My first response was to start shaming myself for not planning ahead, or thinking about it in advance. Caring for someone is supposed to be an intentional act, right?

But then I reviewed my day and realized I did a lot of self care:

• I danced in the morning and sat at my altar.

• I went to pilates.

• I went to the office and worked on my new website.

• I had a Tapping sesh with my mom via WhatsApp.

• Then I went to dinner at a friend's house – a long

• standing plan, and very much needed.

• THEN I dropped off files to a fellow-photographer who lives near above friend.

• And then, would you believe, I went BACK to the studio and worked late to deliver an important job that was almost done.

  …

• CHECK connecting with Goddess/source/spirit/God.

• CHECK physical exercise, endorphins, deep concentration & mono-tasking.

• CHECK feeling productive and working towards my goals.

• CHECK family time, healing the nervous system, changing my subconscious mindset.

• CHECK being a reliable friend (self-respect/living my values), enjoying fun & laughter, relaxing in nature (we sat in her garden), nourishing with delicious food.

• CHECK strategically coordinating so I have one less task on my list.

• CHECK getting something major off my plate while it's in my pleasure to do so (aka Flow).

You may be thinking this last one is not self-care: to stay late at work and push through. Especially for a recovering workaholic, this is a slippery slope. The difference (in almost everything) is the energy we put behind it. Is it compulsion? Is it a way to isolate? Is it avoiding feelings/numbing? Or is it loving? Loving can be to do something when you feel the urge, and know that tomorrow you'll be so glad you did. And that's where I was at, and so that's what I did.

Looking back at my day also taught me something pretty awesome:

That after so many years of practicing, failing, practicing, winning, falling off the beam, climbing back on, trying, quitting, starting over, and practicing some more.... I've become pretty good at this self-care thing.

If you've read any of my posts about depression, and how fucked up shit can get, you'll have an idea about how proud I feel of this realization.

There was a time when I hated myself and hated my life.

There were years when the hate was gone, but there was just a sort of no-man's-land of "what now?"

During that time, I really searched for the answer to LOVE. I wanted to know how I could learn this "skill" that seemed to come SO naturally to others. (By "others" I mean the non-depressed.) I wandered through life asking "how do normal people just go about their shit?" and feeling truly confused. Such are the thoughts of the super-sensitive folks.

I DIGRESS!! During no-man's-land time, I came up with a mantra that has served me more than anything else to date:

Every new skill takes practice.

I could write VOLUMES about this mantra. I probably will at some point.
But for now, I'll just explain, this was my shortcut to self-compassion. Every time I "fucked up" (in quotes, because the only person I was letting down was my overly critical self), I would take a deep breath, say my mantra and start again.

Every new skill takes practice.
It just does.

Including self-care.
And this is why this realization was so epic for me.
Because I am good at self-care.
I love myself, in my soul. Know how I know? Because I treat myself like someone I love.
I love WHO I am. Not for my looks or my talents. Not for my accomplishments. Not "despite" my bad habits of which there are SO many.
Just because I do. I practiced and practiced, and learned and learned, and I got good at it. I got good at the skill of love.

Looking back at my day, I also realize this journey will never end. We live in a society that functions in a very particular way. It was easy for me to instantly criticize myself for not planning my self-care in advance. For not being systematic enough for my #39daysofselfcare project. The undertones are there: "disorganized, half-assed, unprofessional, unreliable, fake! Fraud!! Failure!!!"

But look at me now. All it took was a pause, and a quick review of my day to see that those thoughts are nothing but habit. And while I've gotten really good at self care, I still need practice. I'll be practicing for the rest of my life.

Every new skill takes practice.

DAY 4 OF MY 39-DAY SELF-CARE CHALLENGE

Saying YES to help…

In particular, saying yes when an auntie at today’s wedding offered - nay, INSISTED - that she pack us each a very full take out box of food for our drive. We were rushing around and I had half-assedly snapped up a few goodies onto a plate, covered with a napkin...

“That’s nothing. And it’s going to spill,” she scoffed, in true Auntie fashion. So depicted here are the remains. I ate about 5 spanakopitas and god-knows how many cookies.

Why is this self-care??

Actually a lot of brides struggle with saying yes to help. Taking a frigging minute for themselves, in life, let alone the wedding day. Sometimes not receiving help is a form of grasping onto control. Other times it’s a lifelong, learned habit of putting yourself last. After everyone else is taken care of, THEN you eat. Then you rest. Then you play. But often Then never comes.

What comes in its place is exhaustion, resentment, victimhood, and burnout.

I don’t blame any person, woman, or bride, for this behaviour. I have a lifetime of practice myself — it’s what we’re taught!

But I DO see the value in ending this. That’s why I’m doing 39 days.

And sometimes the most simple practices are the most profound. I let myself eat. I drank enough water. I remembered to pee... things that, during a BUSY 12 hour wedding day, are easy to forget, postpone, or avoid altogether.

My body thanks me. My work is more beautiful and profound. My jokes (I happen to think) are more hilarious. And somewhere deep in my system, I have demonstrated I am loved, by me. Loved and respected enough to be taken care of on the most basic level.

If you’re getting married and want to make your Snack Plan, I have a blog post on keeping H’Anger at Bay on the Wedding Day!

But in the meantime, how have you said YES to receiving, lately? Don’t forget to ask for and accept a little help.

DAY 3 OF MY 39-DAY SELF-CARE CHALLENGE

This morning I woke up and noticed I was kind of pissed off. I was lying in bed, thinking about two recent incidents where people’s behaviour had made me feel irritated.

As I replayed “what happened” in my head, I felt anger bubbling up again.

Suddenly I stopped. 🛑 Why was I re-living those moments? After ALL the mindset coaching I’ve done, I know that thoughts create feelings. And some feelings are TOXIC - you can literally feel the stress hormones pumping through your body as the thoughts occur.

I took a breath and paused to ask myself a few questions. I realized that these two events: 1. Were both in the past. 2. Had been discussed and resolved between us, as best we could.

I took stock and saw that I had expressed my displeasure, set my boundaries, made efforts to understand the other person’s reaction, and had also taken steps to separate my own responsibility and feelings...
So why did I wake up thinking about it?

I realized I hadn’t SWAMPED.
Swamping is a concept I learned when studying in New York, at the School of Womanly Arts, to help you work your emotions out of your body. Yes, your BODY.

I could think my way out of almost anything, but thinking is not always enough. 🤔We live in a human body that experiences, stores, and remembers all of our emotions... hence being able to feel when they’re pumping through your system.😤🤯🤬

If you can feel them entering, don’t you think you need to feel them exit, too??

We think in order to get over anger we need to relax, but it’s actually the other way around: we need to get the anger out IN ORDER TO relax. Swamping allows you to do this.

After I swamped, I felt great. In fact, I ended up dancing around my room and doing a strip tease in front of my bedroom mirror! 🔥💃🏻💦Ruminating on the past was the LAST thing on my mind. 🤣 I headed into my day with a glow and a heart full of gratitude.

Have you heard of this? How do you get your feelings out?

I’m including this in my #39daysofselfcare challenge. Why? Because if you’re not used to allowing “difficult” feelings, some people can find the idea of swamping terrifying... But I consider it one of the most pleasurable forms of self-care I know 😍 I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Day 1 of my 39-day self-care challenge

How many days until your wedding?? Are you excited? Nervous?? Stressed out??? Or absolutely fucking ready? Do you GLOW? If you want to, you may want to join this 39-day challenge! It’s absolutely FREE. You can start any time. And if you don’t have 39 days to go before your wedding — CONGRATULATIONS — you need this even more!! Read on for details:

I have decided to start a 39 day challenge: To do one thing everyday for 39 days, in the name of self-care, self-approval and self-celebration! I want people to do it with me. 🥂 Will you??

Okay, WHY am I doing this?

Well, life can throw a lot of shit our way.

Normal stressors, boring and mundane crappy stuff, and also tragedy – personal, political, intimate, and international.

Other times life is great.

Both are temporary.

But they never feel that way, do they!? Like, when things are awesome, and then the awesomeness ends, it feels terrible and shocking, like something’s wrong. Oh, the accumulated YEARS of shame, “what is WRONG with me??” I would wonder. What is WRONG.

And when things are bad, it can feel like the shit will never end.

But it does.

Learning to embrace this emotional roller coaster is a relatively NEW skill for me, in my 39 years. Actually realizing that nothing was wrong, and that feeling both good and bad is RIGHT (hi, and welcome to being Human!)… was a huge, life-changing epiphany for me.

One of the ways I got there was being put on a strict diet of self-approval, self-pleasure, and self-care.

And no, I’m not talking “eat a bucket of ice-cream and spend $-I-don’t-have on retail therapy” self-care (although sometimes those things are ACTUALLY what a person needs, and then they are exactly right!).

I am talking about going through life and asking myself CONSTANTLY what I want; whether I am saying YES to shit I don’t want, NO to stuff I actually need, or whether I’ve even CONSIDERED my desires lately. 🤯😍

It’s as simple as that.

Making a habit of this practice has changed the way the Ups and Downs feel. It has changed the Okay-ness level of when amazing things end, and when sad, horrible, enraging, depressing, stressful, overwhelming things feel like they’ll NEVER end.

✨It has made life much easier.
✨It has made relationships, and money, and deadlines, and *online dating* easier.
✨It has even made Trump easier! (Still working on Ford though.)

And it is Fun. Remember FUN??? Fun is awesome.

So, my gorgeous friends, who is with me? Will anyone join in the fun? The instructions are easy:
✅Everyday ask yourself one or all of the below questions (at the bottom of this post)
✅Everyday do some thing – for a minute or an hour or a day – that fills up your cup
✅Let me know your thing. Here on this post.

Why do it with me? Um, obviously, because things are more FUN when we do them together! REMEMBER FUN????

These are the questions I’m asking these days, and the answers lead to my 39-Day Challenge Action Steps:

🤷🏻‍♀️What would make this enjoyable?
🤷🏼‍♀️Does this feel good?
🤷🏽‍♀️How can I make myself WANT to do this?
🤷🏿‍♀️Do I need a rest?
🤷🏻‍♂️What do I desire today? This week? This year? In life? In my fantasies???
🤷🏾‍♂️Is this a loving choice for me?

LET’S DO THIS! 💃🏻💃🏻💃🏻

Here are a couple screenshots of me dancing like the dorky Goddess I am, on my instagram post. If you’d like to check out the challenge (and join ANY TIME, for FREE!), check out my account, and search for the hashtag #39daysofselfcare. Post what you’re doing to love and care for yourself with the same # and we will cheer each other on!!